I started dialing the rehab today at 2pm as usual. I was extremely busy at work, so it was hard to sneak off. I finally got through around 3:52p, just in the nick of time, as calls are cut off at 4pm. One of the residents answered, I asked for my son, and he replied "he left." I didn't think I heard him right, so again I asked for my son. Again, he replied "he left."I'm thinking Andrew is playing some kind of joke on me, I keep asking for him over and over. I start to panic, I'm saying, what do you mean, do you mean he is out on an errand. "He left" the kid keeps saying with the same monotone voice, without any explanation. I'm freaking out. I have to ask him to get a counselor.
A very kind and compassionate lady named Betty comes on. She's trying to let me down easy. She tells me Andrew and three others returned from a meeting this morning and were nodding out. All four were given drug tests. All four tested positive for opiates. Two stayed, and two walked off. My son had been gone for 2 hours. She told me if he returned anytime before the morning, they would work with him. Thank you Betty. I'm glad I heard it from you.
He won't return. It only takes once for him. We gave him $30 yesterday. That will keep him high for 2 days.
I'm numb. I want to delete all my posts. I'm stupid. I'm an idiot. I'm a stupid idiot. Heroin wins, Mom gets KO'd.
I want to go home and crawl under the covers. But I have other family who I love dearly. Who love me, are always there for me, and try never to hurt me. My husband, my daughter, my son in law, my mother.
Life is hard for everyone. I went to college pregnant, and graduated at the top of my class. It was hard. My husband, who quit school in the 9th grade, went to college at 30. He got a BA in 3 and 1/2 years, and graduated on the dean's list. It was hard. My daughter gets up at 3am to make bread at Costco before she goes to school at 9am. Very hard. My son in law squeaked through high school, and now works full time (a 36 hour shift EVERY week-end), and still got an A in pharmacology. Damn hard. I work with a lady whose toddler son drowned in a toilet when his father, who was babysitting, fell asleep. Two months later Dad committed suicide in despair, and was found by her two other children. She's still standing.
I know my son is sick. But it is time for him to do something hard.
I do not think my life is unique. I'll bet anyone reading this has been kicked in the stomach. You doubled over, maybe threw up. Then you straightened up, got your breath back, and started doing whatever hard work was required.
If your addict child is at home with you tonight, give them a hug and feel their breath on your neck. Make a note of their smell, and run your fingers through their hair. Kiss them good night and tell them "sweet dreams." Oh hell, do that to any child that is home with you tonight.
9 thoughts:
I'm so sorry for this turn of events. I know it is tempting to call yourself stupid, but I imagine what you should be feeling is disappointed, sad, scared and maybe even a little angry. You were not being a fool for being optimistic.
You're absolutely right, life is hard for everyone. That is the one singular thing your son has got to wrap his psyche around - he has to cope with the difficulty head on and not lost in a haze of drug fog. I'm a recovering alcoholic (2-1/2 years sober) and the only way I was going to get better was to become accountable for myself, how I reacted to things and decide once and for all who I wanted to be. Fucked up drunk was not on that list. But, as you and many others have said, it was up to me -- I had to want it. For me, letting go of the drink wasn't nearly as hard as giving up the bad thinking and feelings that led me to choose coping in such a destructive way. It was hard. But not impossible. If I go back to drinking again, those who love me are not stupid... that makes me the fool.
Im so sorry. Dont delete your last post. It reminds me that I can only live moment to moment. That my wife is a drug addict and we can have what seems like the best life in the world and her be doing awesome and I can turn around and be in a shit storm. There is no trust, no hope. Only acceptance and the moment. Maybe a little faith that it will all make sense to me when I reach room temperature and realize nothing I did on this Earth was significant except to give God a chance to see what its like to not be God. If Love is all there is then the rest is just an illusion. Remember to eat.
Please do not call yourself stupid!! YOU ARE NOT STUPID! You are trusting and lovely person, I will keep you and aall familys of addicts in my prayers, and donot delete your last post, I think you as well as the rest of like to see the positive even if it only lasts a day long.
Oh Sweetie,
I am so sorry about all this. I can feel your pain through your writing. You are not stupid. You are a mother who loves her child and your child is in a struggle for his life. No kid wakes up one day and says, "I want to be a drug addict and destroy my life". Relapse is a part of recovery though many of us keep praying that the last relapse was the end and maybe "this time" my kid will be ok. Please take care of yourself.
Im so sorry. I pray every day that my son continues to choose sobriety. I know it is one day at a time for him and for all of us. This is NOT your faut, and you are certainly NOT a fool for being hopeful, and dare I say happy, if just for a moment. Remember the three C's.... You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and you certainly can not Cure it. You are just being his Mom and loving him. I will keep you in my prayers.
{{Hugs}}
You're not an idiot, you had hope. No one can blame you for that. I'm not sure if you go to Alanon but in any case, there are alot of Alanon daily reader books. There is a great thought for the day on www.hazelden.org and the Letting Go thought for the day applies to Alanon. It might help give you a little peace.
Your attitude and strength in the face of heartache is so very inspiring...
I am so humbled by your honesty and integrity.
I have been up reading your blog from the very beginning all nite. I am a (almost) 21 year old addict. I was raised by two junky parents, and at the age of 12 my mother OD'd. My father promised to quit after that, he did, a year or two later. At 16, I too wanted to feel loved and comforted by the same thing that my mother chose over me time and time again. That is when I became the next in line to so-called "junky-bliss." I have been to rehabs and on methadone & even suboxone. Thankfully I've never ran into the law yet, which is disturbingly true after six years of being a heroin addict. Heroin was the first drug I had ever tried. I never even smoked ciggarettes before heroin. I break my fathers heart everytime he gains a little trust in me, hands me money, and sends me off to the grocery store, only for me to go cop and not return home for a week or so. I always go back, and he always takes me back. I hate that I hurt him so much. I also have a blog on here. I just want to say that I think you are an amazing person. And I really love reading your blog!
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