Today was a real bad day. I was overwhelmingly sad, and that's not my way. My way is to get manic and work, exercise, joke, and let on that I am invincible. The show must go on. I think if I hadn't had such a wonderful last day with my son, if he had been his usual double talking, jive self, I'd be better. I could have just eased into this, like in the past, when I would suspect he was using. I could steel myself those times, because I knew what was coming. This time he walloped me good. I read some psychological mumbo- jumbo that said I should let myself be sad, acknowledge my hopelessness, and let my everyday obligations slide for awhile. So that's what I did today, but tomorrow I'm going back to pushing my pain deep inside and ignoring my feelings. It has always worked for me the past, so I'm sticking with the tried and true. I could see where this letting myself be sad could get depressing as all hell.
I was too busy at work to start crying. I didn't do that till I got to the dry cleaners.
Tomorrow is the day I go back to believing that my son will quit being a heroin addict soon.
4 thoughts:
The one thing we learn when we are parents of addicts is that each day we have with our child and each day we have the opportunity to be happy and well is a gift. You had that when you visited him. No regrets. No second guessing yourself. This is a long road we travel, a painful long road. Try not to stuff your feelings too much because it is not healthy for you in the long run. As uncomfortable as it is you need to feel your emotions so that you can move on. Take care of yourself because you will need the strength when your son is ready to resurface. Sucks, that we have to survive this way. But, survive we do because there are others who count on us. Your son is making his own choices. You have no control over that. You only have control over your own choices. Love him. Pray for him. And remember the same God who watches over you is watching over him. I wish I could give you a hug because you really need one right now.
Hey BHM, Love the title. Do you ever go to Alanon or Naranon. I dont feel like I fit the stereo typical codapendent alanon being a selfish alcoholic myself but whatever I am, I enjoy it and it helps. It helps to hear how other people deal with having addicted family members. Much love to ya!
I used to have trouble with the sad songs on the radio, or even in a commercial. That was my crying time. Alanon talks alot about acceptance and I have found that very helpful. Not acceptance meaning it's OKAY that my son is a drug addict but accepting the fact that my son is a drug addict...plain and simple.
I have a bipolar son and I have accepted that fact. I am not happy about it and I wish to God it wasn't true but I accept the fact that it is.
I am working on acceptance for my drug addicted son. I will get there. It doesn't mean they will be forever, but for now, yes, our sons are drug addicts.
My heart goes out to you, and to Andrew. Addiction is such a terrible thing; my daughter called it "my darling and my downfall."
I wish you peace and will hold a good thought for you and your son and the hope he will find his way out of this. Please take care of yourself.
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