From the Clinicians Thesaurus 3-The Guide Book for Wording Psychological Reports and Other Evaluations (3rd Edition, Edward L Zuckerman, Ph.D)
Definitions of 5 types of co dependent personalities:
1) Rescuer: protecting/covering for the addicted person by making excuses for absences or social mistakes
2) Care Taker: minimizes negative consequences in addicted person's chemical dependency
3) Joiner: rationalizing or participating/assisting in addicted person's chemical dependency
4) Hero: protecting the family's public image/draw attention away from the addiction with enormous/ "superhuman"/self-sacrificing efforts
5) Adjuster: avoiding discussion of the addiction in hopes it will disappear, hiding concern and confusion with apathy
I'm definitely a care taker. Andrew's father is an adjuster. All we knew then was we were trying to deal.
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.--Winston Churchill
10 thoughts:
I think I am the adjuster and then the others all follow in order. I love the Winston Churchill quote :)
For some reason, it's always so comforting to hear (read) that I'm not the only one who reacted "differently" to the addict child.
WHEN WE KNEW BETTER - WE DID BETTER.
This is very interestsing. I always thought there was one type of enabling. Shows you what I know!
I can't decide which one I am, but am leaning toward caretaker. I just want to make things ok, know what I mean?
A very good post. Thank you.
I was the hero for sure. Always self-sacrificing and protecting. Interesting stuff.
I love the Churchill quote to. Joiner here, at least up until about a year before rehab occurred. I'm not sure I had to rationalize it, but I definitely participated/assisted.
Don't be too hard on yourself. We only know what we know... and we only know it when we know it.
Hmm. This is an interesting list. I've never seen it laid out like this before. I think my husband was maybe a joiner. I don't think he realized how bad my addiction was. I also think that is why he has been so wonderful and stopped drinking with me even though he doesn't have a problem.
I think I was probably something of a hero in my childhood situation, although my parents weren't addicts per se, just nut cases. I definitely was protecting the family image and certainly self-sacrificing. Hero seems like a bit much, though. Scapegoat is more like it.
You loved your son and hoped it would get better. It's good that you have realized that what you were doing wasn't working and now you need to make changes. It's all you can do, and I think you are doing awesome (not that you asked ;) )
I'm an adjuster. But I'm an addict/alcoholic. Since I couldn't take care of me, I couldn't think of fixing anyone else. Now I'm less tolerant of excuses. I am more than willing to share my "head full of AA" with anyone willing, or unwilling for that matter.
I don't think I did any of that. I really don't. But maybe I'm just a dumb ass in denial.
My big issue was WORRY & ANXIETY. Letting it tear me up inside.
I like that Winston Churchhill saying.....I agree.
I'm thankful that my boys (and yours) are clean for the moment...
Eck! I am all of the above with the exception of 3.
Damn it all, I probably did that too before we had kids.
Yuck!
You are an amazing person, and like the others before me said, we do the best we can with what we have. I now know better and am doing better and so are you. That is progress.
much love and prayers
Heather
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