Perhaps because I grew up in an authoritarian house, an only child whose every movement was monitored and questioned, I really need my space.
My marriage gives me the freedom of movement, the space I require. We live separate lives in many ways, but we are very much together. (Let me be clear, it is not an open marriage. Nope, don't want that kind of space.) Over the years people have remarked to me that it's odd I took a trip without my husband, or attended a party without him. Finally it dawned on me; what I consider a strong, fulfilling marriage is viewed by others as unconventional.
Last week, I did steps 8 and 9 (making amends) with my sponsor. I respect and admire this woman. She has the wisdom and compassion that comes from 20 years of hard core substance abuse, and living to tell about it. Faith is an important part of her recovery, and she and her husband are leaders in the church I attend.
The church I attend without my husband. He is agnostic, and has no interest in 12 step programs either. However, he supports me (always), and we talk often about my service work.
My sponsor surprised me by implying I needed to talk to my husband about going to church. I indicated, in my usual direct manner, I did not think that affected my spiritual journey. I told her I have been married for 30 years. Every night I lay my head on the pillow next to my best friend. I almost added that since she was on her 3rd husband, perhaps she didn't know...but I bit my tongue ( step 6 ).
That night she called. She had thought about our talk, and she told me she had learned something from me.
That is working a program, on both our parts. Oh yeah, that is what I'm talking about here!
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29 thoughts:
I love this post Lou, as I was reading it, my eyes kept going up to the picture at the top of the page and suddenly I got it.
You either keep going on the wheel or seek experiences, skills and tools (as you told me) that help the wheel travel slightly differently.
I love the fact that you seek to changee but have a clear eye on what matters to you and others at the same time.
'scuse the teen talk here
'but ya rock hard babe'
Love as always
Nick XX
Lou,
I am so happy for you. You really sound grounded and content. It's amazing how no matter what is going on around us we can truly be centered if we work our steps and have a good support system which you do with your husband whether he chooses to work the steps or not. Have a great day!
I identify with you on this . Jay and I are not joined at the hip either, but he's my best friend.
I would have had trouble biting my tongue too. Looks like you were pretty wise. jeNN
This post gave me a big huge grin, Lou.
At brunch today I had a conversation with someone whose sponsor is telling her to do service work instead of feeling her feelings. Uh. Service work is good for a lot of thing, but it is not a standard answer. I like it when I can be open to hearing what someone else says to me without any expectations.
Sounds like your sponsor and your husband are both perfect relationships for you.
I love this, Lou. Like you and jeNN, I am not hinged to my husband's hip. But I am very much committed to sharing our lives together.
I like the fact that your sponsor was able to gain insight from your talk together. That made me smile.
All I can say is - wow.
I'm not often direct enough in my day to day dealings with people. I'm much more often someone to bite my tongue and avoid confrontation. I think you taught me something here: sometimes, just the right measure of confrontation - not fighting, but determination - helps everyone around you. I think ... omg I think I just learned something.
I have this in common with you, a great marriage based around support and doing as much around and with the partner as makes us happy. Also, not an open marriage - just freedom to be who we are. My wife gets a lot of comments about why she hasn't dragged me to this and that, and I'm so grateful everyday that her genuine answer is "because I only want to cause him happiness if I can help it."
Marriage isn't at all about only doing what we like - but by focusing on what is important and letting the silly stuff fall away, we avoid burning each other out on battles that have nothing to do with who we are and why we are madly in love with each other.
I have so much respect for you and for your sponsor! Keep up the great work making your corner of the world a better place.
We're the same way hon. I absolutely need my space. The relationship I have with Paul couldn't be more perfect. He has his guitars and gigs. He's gone all day working until 8 at night, most weekends, holidays he's off playing with his band. Is it lonely? Not at all. I have someone I can lay down my head beside at night and feel safe. I can do my own thing and NOT feel like I have to explain myself or feeling like I'm controlled. Otherwise I couldn't be in a healthy relationship, my space and the ability to do what I want are too important to me.
Thankfully we both have men that understand that part of us. Happy Mother's Day dear friend! (Hugs)Indigo
My husband and I sound much like you and yours and so many of these commenters. So maybe this great thing is not so unconventional after all. I think people who don't have this sort of marriage wish they did. I know I could not thrive and feel the respect that I do for my husband if we didn't have this kind of union.
Now if I have the wisdom you have when we hit the 30 year mark, I'll know I did it right.
Lou, you didn't need to bite your tomgue--you could have just stuck it in your cheek!
Free to be me, that's what anyone might ask. Freedom to be me...and love you! That is BETTER!
I want a marriage like yours! I have never been married, I chickened out of it a few times, partly because i need my space and independence SO MUCH and not all men are okay with that. Thanks for sharing this.
A good husband or wife is not the same as you but one who loves you enough to support you in being you.
As far as learning every time I sat with one of the AA people who dropped by my office I learned something.
Thanks Lou. I learned something new from you today that I can apply to my own life.
I relate to a lot of what you've said here, Lou. My hubby and I are different people. I have my interests and he has his...sometimes our interests intersect and that's cool. Like you, I enjoy my private time though. I don't need to be with my soul mate 24/7 to be secure in our relationship. I've had a lot of people either say or infer that we're different and I'm okay with that.
The only thing that matters is that I love him with all of my heart and he loves me unconditionally.
Happy Mother's Day, my friend!! I love you, rots and rots. (Think Scooby Doo...LOL)
Nice post, and same here on having our own space. We have many common interests, and quite a few different. It makes life interesting.
Happy Mothers Day to you dearest Lou. I have always been stuck with someone who wants to be STUCK to me-and I am wayyyy to independent for that. So I prefer to not be stuck with any one person-for now anyway.
I admire your marriage.
Hi, Lou: Many good points here. My hubby is also agnostic. He says that since being with me, he has more questions now than he used to have though. Guess I make him think about the universe differently. Hubby and I are pretty independent also. You don't have to be holding hands all the time in order to walk side by side. D
I've lived an unconventional life in other ways too, Lou. Conformity isn't all it's cracked up to be.
The fact that hubby listens, supports and asks about all the things you are doing and getting support from, is support. Love it.
Love you.
My husband is agnostic as well. I don't believe I'm going to "catch it" from him.
I don't believe he will catch spirituality or sobriety from me either.
We are both OK with that.
A marraige of 30 yrs is something to be proud of. Especially since you are obviously very happy together. I don't think it gets better than that.
Your marriage sounds great to me, Lou. What goes on in a marriage is nobody else's business but the two people involved. Good for you for speaking up to your sponsor.
Thanks for sharing this important post with all of us.
Love,
SB
Oh good for you Lou. I'm glad that you stood up for how you do things in your relationship with your husband and didn't come under any weirdness from your sponsor. Who I am sure meant well...but that kind of implying makes my skin crawl. Our marriage is very similar to yours and we are going on 25 years. It works for us.
Good girl! My marriage is like that also and some people say it is weird. Now you know after reading my blog for quite some time now, what an awesome husband I have. 'Nuff said. Oh wait. There's more! I say my marriage is now stronger than ever and he and I have been through hell together. And we continue to deal with the shit that comes, bipolar, addiction, etc.
My husband is also agnostic and isn't into the 12-steps. And you know my HP is God.
I also lay my head on my pillow at night next to my best friend, who lately I reach over nightly to touch his skin and reduce my anxiety by a few points. No one protects me like he does.
And by the way, you are my favorite smart ass! xoxo ~T~
Did I tell you you're awesome??
:-D
Lou, ditto for me on freedom of movement and to do the things that I like to do. We would not have survived these years and with active alcoholism without learning some new tricks. One of which is that we have learned to respect and care, even without having to do everything together. We worked two offices from each other on the same hall for nearly 30 years. And we still like to snuggle at night.
My BF of 10 years and I are much the same. I would love for him to go to church with me, but I don't ask and while he supports my own spirituality, I don't think he wants to be "converted". LOL. That was probably one of the first things we got straight from the very beginning. He was raised a pretty strict Catholic, and I think when he left his parents home behind, I think he left religion there as well. LOL.
Always enjoy reading your posts. While the BF is pretty passive aggressive, he is pretty supportive in what ever I'm doing.
i really admire you. i love reading your blog. although your husband may be agnostic...i pray he finds salvation and learns to love and know the LORD! i also think anyone who reads your blog...learns something from it! thank you.
HEY LOU:
You have a healthy marriage..
Some how what is an Enmeshed marriage or dating life....which is unhealthy.
You are still YOU and he is still HE.. and you can leave for trips and come back knowing you love each other and need to do some things alone and does too.
Sponsorship.NO THANKS. To me it can be hurtful to a newbie who might really buy into all that a sponsor say.
I personally think it is a form of co-dependency (only my opinion).. not always but alot of times.
I make calls; I even hang with some from program for dinners and lunches and walks.. .. and I can share with many ; and not just one main person .. and others just a bit.
You are very balanced.. for having a great marriage.. and good you did not buy into everything a sponsor says..
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