"Boundaries are flexible, changeable, removable, so it's up to me how open or closed I'll be at any given time." Courage to Change, pg. 201
Recently, I have been waking up thinking Andrew would have a better chance if we let him come home. That access to really fast internet and a big screen TV would be more conductive to sobriety, than living in a house with a bunch of addicts and riding the bus to work in the winter.
What I really want is to force the rotation of the world to accommodate him. So he doesn't get hurt; so he won't relapse. *sigh*
Thankfully, I heard what I needed to hear at my Sunday meeting. A woman shared that 6 months ago she had to take her son and leave her home abruptly, due to another alcoholic crisis. Last week she got a call from her husband telling her he had checked into detox, and wanted desperately to see his son. The woman wants them to have a relationship, but has traveled down the twisted Path of Promises before. She told her husband when he got 90 days of sobriety, she would allow visits. He flew into a rage at this "unreasonable" demand, showing her she had made the correct decision.
I will consider applying this boundary with Andrew. Show me 90 days of sobriety, and perhaps you can live at home to help you financially and take some classes you need.
Or, maybe not.
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Nicki PhD&Rory RN
29 thoughts:
Pray a lot. I don't think there ever is a universal right answer. Other people's lessons may not be yours. Pray, pray, pray...
That is a decision only you can make, I'm with Mary Christine, prayer.
My personal feelings, Lou, are that Andrew may need a transitional environment just to help get his feet wet after his incarceration. Going straight home might be a bit of a culture shock. If he wants this bad enough, he will make it work in any environment.
I'm praying for him.
One thing to remember is that he will be getting support from other peers where he's going and there's a reason those places work as their first steps back to normalcy.
I will be praying for you all, as this is the most tenuous time in the process. But LOTS of people stay sane and sober. Lots of them. When they're ready.
HUGS.
It's a tough one. Pray for guidance and you will be shown what to do. Damn, does it ever get any easier?
Remember, no matter how much we love them there are things we cannot do to help them with their recovery. Sometime only others can do what needs to be done.
My advice is your son will know when it is truly time for him to come home and it shouldn't be for the comforts of home. Deep inside you will know too, follow your gut not your heart. Your heart will fool you and hurt him.
Lou,
I'm with Mary Christine. I know one size does not fit all. I also know I have no idea what will fit what. I have to rely on God for that.
So....I also say pray, pray, pray!
I'm doing plenty of it myself.
PG
This is a very personal decision. I did not take my son back but his father did and he is doing well.
You have a very tough road and decision. The ultimate in this, believe it or not is about you, not him. He will find his way, but you need to not have his albatross around your neck.
I can only wish the best for you.
i can imagine the struggle with this one. the best thing you could do is make him work for it. the more he does for himself the better he will feel about himself.
for us addicts when we start to learn that we are powerless it gives us a sense of humility. and when we start to do things for ourselves, especially tough things, we begin to heal from ourselves. at least that is how it worked for me.
and honestly, what ever your decision i know it won't be compulsive so that in itself is healing.
Trust yourself you will make the right decision :) I trust that you will.
Oh Lou, I so hear you. As a mom I think we always just want our kids to be ok...however that has to happen. It is the times when I am there, wishing and planning and thinking and thinking and thinking, that I have to get a grip and remind myself of what I have learned in my program. There is no right or wrong answer about our kids coming home or not....but this I do believe, you will know in your gut when it is the right time to let him back in, if ever.
Or, maybe not???
I agree. Pray, pray, pray, that when it comes time to get off that fence, God gives you a shove in the direction of His Will for you both.
Has he even asked to come home to live?
Does he think about his recovery as much as you do?
Keep up the AL-ANON, and like everybody else said Lou, pray,pray,pray.
I have no answers.. so sending you (hugs)..
Your life has been peaceful ... and serene.. just you and your husband at home..
I hope you make the right decision whatever that is..
I know someone on phone bridge; her son is home now for a couple of months; those halfway places were filthy and people stealing from each other and he was suffering; and actually doing better at home.. no relapse.. (he is in his mid-thirties..).
Who knows.. what is right; but she did prayer on it and it is working..
Others regret it.
I think your gut will make you do the right thing..
Decisions. Decisions. Hmm. Wont it be nice if the answer popped up out of nowhere. Wont it be nice if the addiction just went away. Wont it be nice if we had a 'reset' button to life...
huh.
i pray for you and your cheer. And thats something that we sure can do.
What does Andrew want to do? What does he think he needs to do? What do the probation people recommend?
Dang, so many questions.
I would think dormitory living would not be so bad after a prison stint, but I have never been in that situation.
I would want to talk to as many people as possible before making any decision. That and a lot of chit chat and chew with your Higher Power.
What does he want to do Lou?
I'm praying with everyone else. Only God has the power to answer this one. and He's listening.
Lou
I really feel for you, a very tough decision.
I am sure you will reflect and pray and I hope through that comes some clarity.
From my experience, I only started to grow into being an adult when I had to deserve the right for what I wanted.
Wanting something and deserving it are miles apart and I understand that, what I also know is I treasure the things I work towards that I feel I deserve.
I deserved a holiday recently and enjoyed it all the more because I had to work a gazillion mindless shifts in a supermarket to pay for it, but it made me value the holiday more.
As I said tough decision and I wish you well in coming to a decision.
Nick.
Lou, maybe those solutions arend toyurs. This woman in Al Anon suggest 90days. I herad dont trust before 6 months. I moved to HIM after a year of sobriety and it was still to early into his recovery to make it. You are amazing and heal from within in all your work however maybe a more detached environment like a transisition home might be good. Here I am with most of other. Sometimes when I am on your page I watch the time counting down to Andrews release date. Second by second. Each time it moves me to tears. Love across the pond.
Oh sweet Mama Lou. Andrew is sitting some where hoping he does not mess up. You are sitting some where hoping you don't mess up.
Andrew will do what he does, good or bad with our without you.
Ms. SoberPants would not have made it without the home, love and support of my mother. My son however does worse around us..we stiffle him, bore him to tears, drive him crazy.
The fact that you found a quote in the AlAnon lit. to backup your thinking is kinda funny ;)
I am glad you realize that the decision doesn't have to be made today and that it may change if you decide that you need to keep that boundary in force. It is a difficult decision, but I have confidence that you will make the right one for you.
Thats not a bad plan Lou...
I think you are correct in not jumping into something...
BTW...Loved your last post...:-)
That's a tough one. I tend to agree with Kristin about the benefits of a transitional environment.
I don't think that anything can be forced with this and that we each remain powerless over what others do. I am sure that in your heart you have an answer. But your head may tell you something else. When those are in alignment, trust that answer.
I wish I could afford a sober living home for my son. They cost so much and I'm unemployed right now. I think it would be better for him and our whole family. But we're dealing with him being here for now. I hope Andrew is done completely and that this time will be "it" for him.
It is as if we feel we can never do enough when sometimes stepping back is the best way we can help. Maddening as it is.
I do like the idea of 90 days sober first before coming into the home, something about it seems right - loving and if he can do the 90 days it is an embrace of a whole different kind from his mom!
I like it, too. Tough love is exactly what it says, tough on everyone, but at least the communication is clear and they know what to expect.
I find that at some point, the prayer and cogitation pay off, and I know, deep down, what the right answer is. It usually happens in a flash, during a conversation or interaction with other people. God Bless-
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