Dear Son,Tony came by and dropped off his old wardrobe. You remember he buys himself new clothes every 6 months, so he gave you 12 pairs of Dockers, 2 suits, 6 shirts, and 5 t-shirts. He knows you will need clothes when you get out, and since you two are the same size he wanted you to have them.
Jodi talked to me about giving you a job at the gym. She will hire you to do personal training, contingent on your getting certified within 6 months. That mean free gym membership also.
I'm in awe of the long time friends who believe in you. You are blessed with people willing to give you another chance.
But something is bothering me, so I'll tell you. Not to lecture, but because I know you still listen to and respect what I say.
Lately you have been saying you've learned your lesson, life will be straight and narrow from here on out. You don't need a program, you don't need meetings; in essence, you are cured.
Before I knew better, I believed that addiction went away if you were just willing. I know much more now, and the truth is harsher than I ever imagined. You have a long, hard uphill road ahead of you. You been through enough treatment programs to know what works if you want it bad enough.
There are thousands of people in meetings you can ask for help. Start by asking one.
Love, me xxx
"By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule " pg 31 of the BB
35 thoughts:
yup..
bless ya!!
yu are loved
Brother Frankie
I share this alot at my meetings, especially for the newcomer...That I have been to many open A.A. speaker meetings over the years and I haven't heard one recovering alcoholic give his mother credit for his sobriety. That got my attention and helped me to keep the focus on me. Our children are safe in their HP's hands, and so are we.
Namaste
my sponsor from many many years ago used to tell me.. you need to learn to ask for help..
now, some 18 years later, i am finally learning to ask..
u r appreciated..
I'm in the same choir that is singing this same song your open letter is talking about.
I sure hope our song is loud enough to be heard.
God bless,
Prayer Girl
I told my daughter that I was so excited for her when she told me after numerous rehabs that she was cured and didn't need a supportive network. I told her that if she was right, she was on to something big. I'd help her write the book. She could maybe go on Oprah to share. So far, she hasn't had much success. Bless her heart.
Great blog.
Great growth!
Great BB quote...
And Lou, if you had not grown so much...he--or I--could fool you so easily with our self-deceptive, lying ways. He is lucky to have you as his Mom. Hopefully he'll hear God's message through your intercessions.
May I add something for your son? Thank you Lou. Young one, in this stage it's more than natural and in fact expected to believe you are "cured" from this incurable disease. Especially if you're not free - everything looks easier to handle when you're locked away from it. But this is a lifelong disease, there IS no cure unfortunately, there is only wise management. It's not bad either, it makes you far less likely to screw up again. If I may so say. To Lou, thank you for the platform, I support your efforts of love and not a little fear. You know, I've never had a drinking problem but I wouldn't miss an AA meeting if it could be helped. It's a way of living and it works for addict and non-addict alike. Your son doesn't have to look toward a "cured life" for that would be wasting time. He can, however, look to others who've been there and know so much more, and are willing to help.
If he could do it by himself, on his own willpower, I suspect it would have already happened.
Somethings come from the heart. Like this letter. Which recognises where things are now, and then, pushes for things to change.
When you are loaded on love, eventually, everything else will fall away. My prayers are with you..
Eek. He doesn't think he needs a program? He's learned his lesson? I'm 4 years sober and I'm still learning my lessons. It isn't about the punishment he just got released from, it's about the life he's getting ready to build. He has no experience how to do that. A program of recovery will help him figure it out.
Bless him, I hope he realizes this soon.
He who thinks he knows, knows not. He who thinks he does not know can at least learn along the way.
Dear, you open letter is so very true. I am glad that friends do believe in him and give him another chance.
Him believing he is over the additction - reminds so very much of my former partner to still believs that he is the exception to the rule and for this belief he left me. This illness is so destructive.
I keep Andrew in my thoughts. Big hug. Paula xxx
Lou. This is a letter Andrew should read. To know that his friends are still there, wanting to believe in him. But more importantly that you, his mother, has spotted the disease rearing its head as his release date moves ever closer. Tell him from all of us that in our experience, we need the meetings, need the programme, need each other and that we are never cured. But most importantly, take care of yourself Lou. Work your programme and let Andrew take caer of his. You've showed him true love, by speaking the truth.
Self-deception is such a scary thing. My husband has been there and is still there now. He is CONSTANTLY trying to prove himself an exception to the rule. My therapist calls it being in defiance and she says it is worse than denial. I hope Andrew reads this letter. I hope he moves past these feelings to ones of acceptance. I am thinking of both of you Lou.
I am torn. I never got sober from a meeting or with anyone's help. 10 years now. But I realize there is benefit for some in a group session.
I guess this is one of those "may the right path, be the path he sets his foot upon" moments.
Judith said it best, Lou. His words frighten me as well. And I guess my question is, after everything that he has been through, why is he so resistant to meetings?
I know that when I first came in, I thought the rooms would be filled with a bunch of boring f**ks who weren't 'cool' and couldn't possible identify with anything I went through. I found that to not be the case. Not the case at all.
I'm holding out on the hope that he will change his thinking.
Perfectly and honestly express.
Recovery on either side of the coin is Life time.. there are no graduation.. (and the support of others and the laughter at meeting is all good..not a drudgery to attend meetings). I go to OPEN AA near me.. and missed the last 4 Fridays and went this past Friday and was greeted lovingly.. and I'm the only one that goes from Al-anon).
The people are amazing.. and the laughter (as I mentioned but bear repeating) is all GOOD.
Betty Ann
Sounds like everyone is bending over backwards for Andrew. What is he willing to do? He is listening to his disease talk, is he hearing anything else?
Andrew, your Mom is right. You NEED meetings, you NEED support, you NEED a program and more than anything else...you NEED your HP to guide you to HIS will not yours. We can and do recover but not alone.
Oh darlin' I'm sorry.
I know exactly what you are thinking.
Good for you for being honest. Andrew is lucky to have you as a mother.Very lucky. He is also lucky to have so many longtime friends of yours who beleive in him. As we both know though, there is so much more to recovery.
Your letter is good and all of that, but what I LOVE about this post, is that you are so real. You look at situations, to the best of your ability...as they are. The reality, even if its something you would rather not look square in the eye, you do anyway and you base your hope and your expectations on that reality.
Bless you Lou....you are a brave mom for sure.
Andrew, From one heartbrokenmother I can say from first hand experience with my son who has struggled for more years than I care to remember that your mother and everyone else here says is correct. My son's name is Ryan. He spent 2 months at Lifetime Ministries. That is a place that houses folks like him and teaches how to stay clean through God. They do not however, teach any type of 12 step program nor any way to handle the pressure of saying no to drugs/alcohol when back in the real world. Ryan ended up having to leave because of his drinking one day (he was trusted to drive others to and from their jobs and drank some vodka). He told me that he knew he would stay sober. That was what he wanted, he never wanted to drink or drug again. He didn't need any kind of program, he could do it himself. He lived with his dad for a couple of weeks then asked to come to our house. The first night he was here he found a bottle of liquor in the kitchen, drank over a pint and a half, got in his truck because he wanted to listen to music, drove off and ended up on a ditch on a gravel road close to our house. The next day when we found out what happened we made him leave. He still is drinking and has since received another DUI after smoking a joint by himself and deciding to drive. I pray every night that he will find his way to AA so he will never have to do it alone again. I will continue praying for him and for you. I relate so much to your mother and how her heart hurts. Also to how scared she is for you. As mothers we have faith that our children will do well and make good decisions. But under the thoughts of "I don't need any help, I have learned my lesson" equals sure relapse.
Andrew, please please listen to your mother. You never ever have to do this alone again. My brother has been sober over 5 years and he never thought he could do it but he has through AA. He has found so many dear friends there and never feels alone. He inspires me daily among others through his blog posts. I promise you that if you reach out you will find loving arms, smiles and the strength in numbers like you have never felt in your life.
Lisa aka another brokenheartedmother
He still needs a program. The monkey on our shoulders never goes away. At times it's subdued, quiet and waiting patiently for the least little thing to throw us off our guard.
You can't be cured. You're always the addict, the alcoholic, the lost soul who can't let their guard down ever again.
Only after your accept that reality, can you at the very least make an attempt to live each day without the drugged illusion. No, the reality isn't pretty. It can however be done.
We wear our labels to remind us. Mine are Alcoholic and Pill popper. Without the labels I'm dead. With them I'm aware.
I hope Andrew gets it hon. Maybe show him the comments as well,so he's aware he's not alone. He's got a lot of people out here rooting for him. (Hugs)Indigo
Could you cc it to my child?
Great post.
I was in an AA meeting last week and guy with a little over 3 years of sobriety shared he was a heroin addict/alcoholic. It scared me and I thought of Andrew. Put his recovery in God's hands and TRUST that your son will hear when he's ready to surrender.
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism... That God could and would IF He were sought". BB, page 60
I hope he listens to you. I certainly will keep praying for him.
Your friends are wonderful and your son his going to have a nice wardrobe!!! He is especially blessed to have such a loving, supportive mother.
i hope he starts going to meetings, they really do work for this little addict.
I hope that his ego will let go and he will decide to be willing to work the program. I hope that he listens to you.
Lou- its a good letter full of hope and opportunity. Just like most meetings I have attended.
Cat
what an honest thought... and you have the freedom to ask it...
This is worrisome, Lou. I will keep a good thought for you and Andrew both.
You are loved,
SB
what a tough place to be in, doesn't sound hopeful. have heard others have made it without AA, but for me it has to be AA.
Aaaaaaaaah yea, just when you think you've got it dicked, life will throw you a curve ball and make damn sure you are of the realization that you do not have your shit together and you do need help.
I'd had enough programs for a life time, enough words were heard, I just knew I had it by the balls. We're talking about someone who had 9 years clean...and then the curve ball.
There is no cure. There's only maintaining some semblance of life, sober living. Andrew is sadly mistaken if he thinks he's got it dicked. Mistake #1
I can remember thinking if I heard the AA/NA cliches one more time I would puke. I was so sick of working the program, so sick of the people and their bright and cheery disposition.
Flip the coin and I was sick of hearing all the people complain about their mundane lives their bullshit every day excuses for uses but then hearing how they needed life and living one more day sober. But I needed to hear it all.
It Plants Seeds
The Seeds are planted and what he doesn't realize is that right now, he's fairly safe from the pressing part of addiction. Sure they can get it in there but it's much easier on the outside. Plus, the everyday drudgery of life, responsibility and the very reasons we use have not been really tested in a situation where it is so very easy to just say "F" it and just do it. I can remember those "F" it moments...so scary.
He's had so much crammed down his throat and he's full right now. But a day will come where he'll be hungry again, the kind of hunger that may be insatiable. That's when the true test comes, that's when all the words must be put into action, all the training put into real use. But just like anyone else, let's say any professional, they must continually train.
If you are going to be a Prize Fighter and beat this big ugly addiction, you'd better damn well not let yourself get soft. You must remind Andrew that he is a prize fighter, terms he'll understand.
Addiction will find that soft under belly and hit you where it hurts...over and over.
Lets pray that Andrew will see that he is that Prize Fighter and he is training for the battle of his life. Let's pray he will see the importance of steeling himself on the daily.
(Of course, I do apologize for my long windedness.)
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