Fear and guilt drove my actions in the first five years of Andrew's Addiction. I now know this is normal, and it takes an average of seven years to start understanding the family role in the addict or alcoholic's progression.
In working the 12 steps of AlAnon with a sponsor, I've been able to let go of a lot of guilt. But not all, and I never will. The guilt I keep is part of the life lessons learned. I don't want to sweep all the missteps of the past away, absolve everyone by saying "I did the best I could."
As a parent that is not real to me. What attending meetings, daily reading and meditation, and calling my sponsor do for me is put the past in perspective. I get strength and faith that I'm making better decisions today and for the future. I believe in my intuition.
AlAnon is not a program that tells me to feel good all the time.
It's a program that tells me feeling is good.
11/15/09
11/13/09
Friday
I saw one of Andrew's old girlfriends yesterday. She looked wasted. She looked like she numbs herself to oblivion.
She is stripping in a club in Detroit. She works two nights a week and makes enough to numb herself to oblivion the other five nights. She is 25, and I remember her when she was 12.
I ducked around a corner so I wouldn't have to talk to her. Why? I regret not giving her a hug.
Andrew will be sent to a state contracted half way house in the county he was sentenced in. Those are the rules. He will be assigned one of the two places the state has not closed. One is bad, the other is better. A couple years ago I would have called where he goes a 50/50 chance. Today I call it God's plan.
After the staff meeting, my errands can wait. I'm going to pray on why I treated the girl that way. I've been caught up in analyzing my own "important" life. It only takes 24 hours to become selfish and forget we are all in this together.
11/11/09
Intervention
I'm reading a book called "Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention" (Jeff and Debra Jay). It's written by a team of professional interventionists, so they are very keen on this method. We never used an intervention; the times we offered paid rehabs, Andrew went willingly.
I know interventions are expensive, and don't always work. An intervention may get someone into treatment, but that doesn't mean they will stay there.
The book does a credible job of explaining family dynamics. I liked an explanation called soft and hard enabling.
In the beginning, there is love plus denial which equals soft enabling. This is when we acknowledge a problem, but blame it on bad luck, low self esteem, immaturity, stress, or rebelliousness. We don't call it alcoholism or drug addiction, as that would be admitting the unacceptable. The family begins to help the alcoholic out of scrapes and messes, but still believes the problem will be outgrown/overcome.
Reality plus fear equals desperate enabling. Eventually a crisis brings us face to face with the truth; it is addiction after all. Now the family goes into overdrive to stop the inevitable consequences--financial ruin, incarceration, possible death. As addiction intensifies, we adjust and readjust our bottom line. Our personal "last straw" keeps bending, but not breaking, out of a desperate need to save the addict from himself.
The book suggests asking yourself "am I doing things today that five years ago I said I'd never do" to become aware of how you have adapted to the alcoholic's behavior.
I know interventions are expensive, and don't always work. An intervention may get someone into treatment, but that doesn't mean they will stay there.
The book does a credible job of explaining family dynamics. I liked an explanation called soft and hard enabling.
In the beginning, there is love plus denial which equals soft enabling. This is when we acknowledge a problem, but blame it on bad luck, low self esteem, immaturity, stress, or rebelliousness. We don't call it alcoholism or drug addiction, as that would be admitting the unacceptable. The family begins to help the alcoholic out of scrapes and messes, but still believes the problem will be outgrown/overcome.
Reality plus fear equals desperate enabling. Eventually a crisis brings us face to face with the truth; it is addiction after all. Now the family goes into overdrive to stop the inevitable consequences--financial ruin, incarceration, possible death. As addiction intensifies, we adjust and readjust our bottom line. Our personal "last straw" keeps bending, but not breaking, out of a desperate need to save the addict from himself.
The book suggests asking yourself "am I doing things today that five years ago I said I'd never do" to become aware of how you have adapted to the alcoholic's behavior.
A Veteran
Remembering my father, veteran of WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, for a total of 32 years in the United States Army.
He is buried in the Houston National Cemetery, please give him a salute if you ever drive by there.
11/10/09
An Invention Whose Time Has Come
Is there a drug addict in your home without a job raiding the refrigerator while you're at work? Perhaps feeding a motley assortment of friends??
An alcoholic who staggers in late, and eats the Cadbury creme egg you've been saving?
Or the pesky people in the house who think YOUR food is OUR food.
Here is the perfect solution!
I'm taking mine to work so my co workers can't swipe my diet Coke.
Find it here
An alcoholic who staggers in late, and eats the Cadbury creme egg you've been saving?
Or the pesky people in the house who think YOUR food is OUR food.
Here is the perfect solution!
I'm taking mine to work so my co workers can't swipe my diet Coke.
Find it here
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