I'll Miss You

It's time to close ranks around our family. My deepest gratitude to all, you have made it an adventure.

As far as what I've learned about addiction/recovery,  I quote Mark Twain:  "Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." 

Truth is, my addict is not your addict, our family dynamics are not yours.  Al-Anon helped me learn to trust myself and my decisions.  It doesn't make my choices right, but it took away the paralyzing fear of making them.
Here is a two year time capsule of one family's story. 

I started the blog with a junky top ten list; I'll end with one.

Top 10 Truths after 10 Years

     1.  Heroin is mean and tenacious. Be prepared for the long haul.

     2.  Every junky tries at least once to clean up by switching addictions, usually (alcoholic) drinking.
 
     3.  Addicts/ alcoholics do not want to quit using; they want to quit suffering consequences for using.
 
     4.  Ten years of IV drug use leave irreparable neurological, physical, and emotional damage.

     5.  Long term methadone or suboxone maintenance is the best option for some.

     6.  Just when you're ready to give up on them,  Hope whispers, "Try one more time." 

      7. Meet your addict where they are, not where you wish they were.

      8. When in doubt, pray.

      9.  Err on the side of compassion, but don't leave your car keys out.
   
     10. Recovery is a spiritual transformation.  Not using drugs does not equal recovery.

On Break

Too much going on, too little time...taking a break. If I get a tan while I'm at it, all the better.

Reflections

A free day, no responsibilities, house to myself.

Plenty of time to kneel, look inside, verse today is "O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to me cry for mercy, in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief".

Sit in the big leather chair, read A Purpose Driven Life again, fill my thoughts with hope and love, open the Big Book, I have highlighted "To conclude others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got".

Walk on the slippery earth trail, watch out for deep puddles, hold the tiny bud of the apple tree against my cheek, the first warm sun of spring in the sky.

Call my husband, pray for my children, tell my mother she is the greatest, later girl talk over coffee.

TGIF!

Changing Course

A friend told me my writing here had changed, that when I started blogging I was "all over the place".

I do remember being all over the place. Today I have faith everything will be alright. No matter what happens, I have a place of serenity; I know how to find support and comfort. Mostly, I can mind my own business.

I'm not writing a book, nor do I harbor illusions of being an author. I ignore the emails asking me to endorse products or websites. This was, and is, my sorting out place.

I'm thinking lately about how much information I put out about Andrew.  Addicts and alcoholics face an uphill battle for a long time.  Having his every move interpreted through me no longer seems right.  I'm going to leave him to his life; it feels like time to move on.

 AlAnon tells me I only have to deal with my feelings today, so there is no urgency in making up my mind.

Sticking With It

Tonight I attend the fourth in a six meeting orientation at Expensive Cutting Edge Treatment Center. This is the same mandatory program family members of inpatients must attend. The goal is to develop a 20 minute intro to AlAnon, and present it once a month at family sessions.

So far, it's been disappointing.

First, family members are late. It starts at 6:00p, and people trickle in up to 7:00p. It's winter here, and the clothing associated with that does not make for subtle entrances. Then they must sign in, get name tags, take hand outs. Sure you have to work, but your kid is in inpatient substance abuse treatment. Could you make it a priority to get here on time?

Second, there is always one (or two) people who mistake "orientation" for "free therapy". Sensing an opening, they launch into long histories of their own tortured childhoods, or a litany of complaints about the family member. You are here for your loved one. Maybe you could be quiet, and listen?

Third, cross talk. Interrupting. Advice and opinions. Too much information. So you are 50 years old, a successful real estate investor, and still smoke pot every week end. What's your point in boasting about that?

I put out the AlAnon meeting list, and the booklet "AlAnon Faces Alcoholism, 2010". Attendance is voluntary.

Monday Grateful

I remember a blogger game "where I blog".  This is my room, with my wedding anniversary roses on top. We got cards from Andrew and our daughter. It was a special week end.

Not your ordinary gratitude:

1) the love of Andrew's life is locked up till Nov, 2011
2) my daughter picked up, even though she saw it was me calling
3) our cat hasn't scratch me today (yet)
4) I didn't hit publish on three different comments I left on posts
5) I don't have to wonder if I made three different people mad
6) 33 years of marriage is like James Taylor's "you've got a friend" 
7) My lunch today is The Dad's excellent left over bruschetta 
8) Two words:  renewed intimacy....:)

 Where do you blog?